A friend of mine replied to a post yesterday and talked about how God had healed her from her depression. I know this is possible. I have heard of God’s healing many times. I have prayed for His healing many times myself and I know that others have sent prayers to God on my behalf. But, we all know that God does things on His time, not on ours. I believe that just because He has not yet taken away my depression, there is no reason to believe that He does not plan to do so. I have faith that in His time, He will restore my mental health.
I have spoken with God so very many times. As a young child, I was a believer. Then, as things went on, I began to question why He was allowing the abuse and the heartache. How could a loving God allow that? As a young mother, I was reintroduced to a loving God. My heart was full again and things were good. As time went on, troubles began and I again blamed God for allowing hurt to be heaped upon me. I was not strong enough in my faith to believe that He had a plan for me. An ugly, painful divorce followed and I spent the next 20 years again believing that the guilt was mine. I turned my back on God again, believing that He was punishing me for all the wrongs I had done. I reached a point where I hated my life, hated it as I had never hated before. There was nothing, other than my children and my grandchildren, that was good. I was tired. I was weary. I could not handle the pain any longer.
It was during this time that He sent someone into my life. Although this person brought a spark to my life, all my fears and guilt and feelings of worthlessness still haunted me. This person was kind. He was caring. He listened and showed compassion. But, I was still miserable and felt there was no reason to live. After spending a summer in which I was trying to garner the courage to end it all, I had a real health scare. It was because of this person who had been sent into my life that I had been found and rushed to the hospital. Upon waking up and finding out what had happened, I was super mad. I had been given the medical opportunity to not be here any longer. But, for some reason, I was. I was struggling. A few weeks in a mental health facility brought forth some hope. Things were better. Upon returning home, it became apparent that all was not good with this person. Yes, he had saved my life and for that I am eternally grateful. But, it was not all good. This person made me believe that I could care again, something I was sure I would never do. I learned to open my heart. The problem was that because I could see the light again, the darkness was being buried. In time, I found out that this person was just playing a game. It was terribly hard to finally walk away from him, but he was toxic. Yes, he had opened my heart again and that was good, but he was feeding me with false hope. I was mad because God had let me open my heart to this person for no reason. Why was God making me pay again? I just didn’t understand it, but I no longer feel resentment. There was a reason for that person. You know the old saying that people are sent into your life as either a blessing or a lesson? This person had been both a blessing when I needed it and was also a lesson. I am better for this person’s visit to my life.
During this time, I had friends who were working their hardest to reintroduce me to their loving God. Through their tenacity, I finally decided that it was time to give God another chance. You see, I had turned away from Him because I did not have the faith needed to believe that God had a plan for me. I had thought He did not care. I was wrong. These sweet friends made me see that. I now have a pastor and his wife to whom I have been able to open up. I know that they pray daily for me and I know that they believe I am worthy. During a session with them, my pastor said something that really hit home with me. He said that he knew that I would live with God upon my passing, but he also knew that God wanted me to enjoy the good things while still here on Earth. He told me that God had a plan to enable me to do this. And that is what is opening my eyes.
Although I still struggle, although I still have doubts in myself, I do know that there is hope. I have recently been plagued with panic attacks and for some reason, the biggest panic attacks take place as I am getting ready for church. It has been years and years since I struggled with panic attacks and these are quite scary. I break out in a sweat, shake so badly that I can barely hold anything, and actually become sick to my stomach. Just the thought of walking into the church where I know that I am loved, where I know that people will be kind, is for some reason scaring me to the point of being ill. I cannot imagine the reason for this, but I am determined to overcome this. I have stated before that I have a real problem with people being “nice” to me. Those old thoughts of not deserving their “niceness” all come flooding back and I am overwhelmed. I pray daily to figure this one out.
I do know that God has a plan for me but that it’s not yet time to open my eyes to that plan. He is not finished with me. There is something that God wants me to know or to see or to do that I have not done or seen or learned yet. In order for me to know whatever it is, I must continue on this journey through depression. I have faith that there is an end to it at some point. I believe that. He has plans for me to do, and be, something great and He is still working on that plan, refining it, so to say. At some point, that plan will be revealed to me. Until then, I will continue my journey. I know that I should be accepting and stop questioning, but I have always been the type of person who is not satisfied unless I KNOW the reason why. That is one of my downfalls (legitimate this time). I pray daily for patience and for His guidance. I have faith that sometime in the future my eyes will be opened. I will then know what I am to do. What a blessing that will be!