Depression, Mental Health

I’m Getting Better. Then It Got Worse. Then It Got Better. Then It Got Worse Again. Now, It’s Getting Better Again. Ok, ok. I’m Getting the Message, God.

I’m Getting Better —  Another “suck and dig and burn” session today.  In fact, it was session #2 for this week.  I had three new gobs of fungus on Monday that had to be sucked and dug out and then cauterized.  Ugh!  Then today, there were two new gobs.  More sucking.  More digging.  More cauterizing.  So, looking at the numbers, I’m getting better.  Yippee!  The problem is that these are growing at the top of the ear canal and it’s very hard to get the anti-fungal medicine to coat the top of the canal.  I’ve been told to put the drops in and then position my head upside down and let the meds soak for 10 minutes.  I guess that position sounds easy for Dr. M.  But, it’s not for me.  That’s the problem.  Do you know how darn hard it is to keep your head upside down  for 10 minutes?  In case you don’t, let me tell you — it’s hard.  I’ve found the easiest way is to sit on the seat of the commode and put my head between my legs and then sit there.  Staying in that position makes me extremely dizzy and I’m scared to death I’m going to topple over and smash my head against the tub.  To make it worse, my crazy dog thinks that she’s supposed to communicate with me during that time.  I have to keep my eyes closed to help with the dizziness and Bella constantly runs in to lick my face.  Pain in the butt dog.  But, I guess if I want this fungus to die its well-deserved painful death, I’m going to have to continue to do this 4 times a day.

Then It Got Worse — As I got off the Interstate today and headed for Dr. M’s office, I noticed that my car began to bounce and shake.  Damn.  I slowed down and it got worse.  I sped up and it didn’t help.  Still bouncing.  Still shaking.  Thank goodness at this point I was only about a block from the doctor’s office.  Made it there and had to ride around the parking lot a few times waiting for someone to leave so I could park.  Got out, looked at the tires, kicked them all a few times and decided I’d worry about it when I got through.  Did a lot of praying to God that He work his miracle so that when I come back out and get in my car it would be all better.  Great idea, but it didn’t work.  As I drove off, car was still bouncing.  Decided I’d try to find a tire shop and let them look at it before I tried to make it home.  My fear was that I’d get on the interstate and have a blow out or something horrendous.  And as much as my ear was hurting, I knew that if that happened, they would have to send the men in their white coats to get me.  Did a google search and there was a tire store just 3 blocks from the hospital so I figured I’d head there.  No deal.  It was boarded up.  Then decided to just go to Washington Rd. — surely there would be one on that main road.  Lucky me.  Pep Boys was right there.  Went in and explained what the car was doing and the guy told me it would be $89.95 for them to LOOK at the car.  Dang!  But, what do you do when you are by yourself and are 90 miles away from home?  You say, “Sure, please look at it.”  He said that they were currently working on a few cars that would be ahead of me.  No problem.  I’ll wait.  What options did I have?  None.  So, I sat down and started running all sorts of scenarios through my mind (while my ear was throbbing and meds that Dr. M. had filled my ear with were constantly draining) and was on the verge of tears when a sweet young lady named Sammy who worked at the counter came over and said that she was going to send a technician out to just check the lug nuts to make sure that I didn’t have a loose one.  She said that if that was the problem, I could be on my way a lot quicker.  Nice man came out and asked me to take him to my car.  Nope, all lug nuts fine.  Dang.  He said, “Let’s take a ride and let me see what it’s doing.”  Before we even got out of the lot good, he said that it felt like my right rear tire had a problem.  We rode down the road a bit and he said he was pretty sure that was the problem.  Back to the shop we go.  He said as soon as he had a lift empty, he’d get my car on it and let me know.  So, back I go to the waiting room to wait and ponder.  About 30 minutes later he came out and said that he had been right, the right rear tire had a huge knot on it causing the bumping.  New tire needed.  Sure.  I’m made of money.  Let’s get a new tire.  Another 30 minutes or so later, Sammy walked over to me and said, “You look like you need a hug.”  And she bent down and gave me a big hug.  Waterworks!  Waterworks!  We sat and talked for a few minutes and she told me that it shouldn’t be much longer.

Then It Got Better — The technician pulled my car up to the door (it had begun to pour rain while I had been sitting there and I’d rather take a beating than to have to drive in the rain) and I went to counter to pay.  Sammy told me that she was going to give me a 25% discount as a “Welcome to Augusta”  and “Sorry for your Problems” so she was going to waive the $89.95 fee.  Bless her heart.

As an aside, a few weeks ago, while browsing YouTube, I ran up on some Dave Ramsey videos. I’d heard of him and knew he dealt with money stuff, but had not heard how his program worked so I watched a few videos.  As those of you who know about Dave Ramsey know, he says the first thing you should do in your financial life is to have a $1000 Emergency Fund.  Sounded good to me so I started stashing some moolah into a special new savings account.  Since I had the debit card with me for this account, I decided that this was a perfect time to use this Emergency Fund.  After all, here I was, stuck 90 miles from home with a new tire being purchased.  Sounded like a perfect Emergency to me.  So, even though I certainly didn’t want to have to use it, it sure was nice to know that I could easily pay for this dang tire.  Swipe!  Done.  Woo Hoo!  Thanks, Dave.  Now, I just have to drive home in the rain.  Ugh!

Got back on I-20 with no more bumping and just like that, it quit raining.  Thank you, Lord.  Then, the traffic just about came to a stop.  Piles and piles and piles of people with North Carolina and South Carolina tags were heading west, out of harm’s way from Hurricane Florence. And we were all on I-20 together.  I surely didn’t want to drive in this awful traffic in the rain.  God knew that.  He stopped the rain.

Then It Got Worse Again — Two hours of awful traffic, ear throbbing, and legs that had been in the “down position” since 10 a.m. (it was now after 4 p.m. and I hadn’t even gotten to the Ft. Gordon area yet) were beginning to swell.  And I could feel them.  I could feel my heart beating in my ear and now in my ankles.  It was a miserable trip home.  And all I could think about all the way home was that I have to do this again in two days.  Geez, I’m so sick of driving to Augusta.  And who knows what the traffic or weather is going to be like on Friday.  I’m a pretty smart gal and I know that everybody and their brother is going to be on I-20 on Friday afternoon and I know that it’s going to be raining in the Augusta area.  But, I HAVE to be here on Friday.  The last time I waited a week to see Dr. M., the fungus had gone crazy again and we pretty much had to start over with the sucking and digging.  I don’t think I can do that again so I have to be there Friday.  I had a long talk with God while driving and have explained it all to Him so I’m going to just have faith that He helps me out with the weather and the traffic.

Then It Got Better Again — I made it home safely.  I propped my legs up and took a three-hour power nap and didn’t feel guilty one bit when I took a pain pill.  Life, for today, is better again.  I’ll worry about Friday on Friday.  And my sweet friend, Dru, has said that she will go with me Friday so I don’t have to deal with it all by myself.  So, while today has been one with a bunch of ups and downs,  it’s ending on an up.  That makes it better.

~~ Betty

Depression, Mental Health

I Know There Is A Plan

A friend of mine replied to a post yesterday and talked about how God had healed her from her depression.  I know this is possible.  I have heard of God’s healing many times. I have prayed for His healing many times myself and I know that others have sent prayers to God on my behalf.  But, we all know that God does things on His time, not on ours. I believe that just because He has not yet taken away my depression, there is no reason to believe that He does not plan to do so.  I have faith that in His time, He will restore my mental health.

I have spoken with God so very many times. As a young child, I was a believer. Then, as things went on, I began to question why He was allowing the abuse and the heartache. How could a loving God allow that? As a young mother, I was reintroduced to a loving God. My heart was full again and things were good. As time went on, troubles began and I again blamed God for allowing hurt to be heaped upon me. I was not strong enough in my faith to believe that He had a plan for me. An ugly, painful divorce followed and I spent the next 20 years again believing that the guilt was mine. I turned my back on God again, believing that He was punishing me for all the wrongs I had done. I reached a point where I hated my life, hated it as I had never hated before.  There was nothing, other than my children and my grandchildren, that was good.  I was tired.  I was weary. I could not handle the pain any longer.

It was during this time that He sent someone into my life. Although this person brought a spark to my  life, all my fears and guilt and feelings of worthlessness still haunted me.   This person was kind.  He was caring.  He listened and showed compassion.  But, I was still miserable and felt there was no reason to live.  After spending a summer in which I was trying to garner the courage to end it all, I had a real health scare. It was because of this person who had been sent into my life that I had been found and rushed to the hospital. Upon waking up and finding out what had happened, I was super mad. I had been given the medical opportunity to not be here any longer. But, for some reason, I was.  I was struggling.  A few weeks in a mental health facility brought forth some hope. Things were better.  Upon returning home, it became apparent that all was not good with this person. Yes, he had saved my life and for that I am eternally grateful. But, it was not all good.  This person made me believe that I could care again, something I was sure I would never do. I learned to open my heart.  The problem was that because I could see the light again, the darkness was being buried.  In time, I found out that this person was just playing a game. It was terribly hard to finally walk away from him, but he was toxic. Yes, he had opened my heart again and that was good, but he was feeding me with false hope.   I was mad because God had let me open my heart to this person for no reason. Why was God making me pay again? I just didn’t understand it, but I no longer feel resentment. There was a reason for that person.  You know the old saying that people are sent into your life as either a blessing or a lesson? This person had been both a blessing when I needed it and was also a lesson.  I am better for this person’s visit to my life.

During this time, I had friends who were working their hardest to reintroduce me to their loving God. Through their tenacity, I finally decided that it was time to give God another chance. You see, I had turned away from Him because I did not have the faith needed to believe that God had a plan for me. I had thought He did not care. I was wrong. These sweet friends made me see that. I now have a pastor and his wife to whom I have been able to open up. I know that they pray daily for me and I know that they believe I am worthy. During a session with them, my pastor said something that really hit home with me. He said that he knew that I would live with God upon my passing, but he also knew that God wanted me to enjoy the good things while still here on Earth. He told me that God had a plan to enable me to do this. And that is what is opening my eyes.

Although I still struggle, although I still have doubts in myself, I do know that there is hope.  I have recently been plagued with panic attacks and for some reason, the biggest panic attacks take place as I am getting ready for church.  It has been years and years since I struggled with panic attacks and these are quite scary.  I break out in a sweat, shake so badly that I can barely hold anything, and actually become sick to my stomach. Just the thought of walking into the church where I know that I am loved, where I know that people will be kind, is for some reason scaring me to the point of being ill.  I cannot imagine the reason for this, but I am determined to overcome this.   I have stated before that I have a real problem with people being “nice” to me.  Those old thoughts of not deserving their “niceness” all come flooding back and I am overwhelmed. I pray daily to figure this one out.

I do know that God has a plan for me but that it’s not yet time to open my eyes to that plan. He is not finished with me.  There is something that God wants me to know or to see or to do that I have not done or seen or learned yet.  In order for me to know whatever it is, I must continue on this journey through depression.  I have faith that there is an end to it at some point.  I believe that.  He has plans for me to do, and be, something great and He is still working on that plan, refining it, so to say.  At some point, that plan will be revealed to me. Until then, I will continue my journey.  I know that I should be accepting and stop questioning, but I have always been the type of person who is not satisfied unless I KNOW the reason why. That is one of my downfalls (legitimate this time).  I pray daily for patience and for His guidance.  I have faith that sometime in the future my eyes will be opened. I will then know what I am to do.  What a blessing that will be!

~~~ Betty

Depression, Mental Health

This is So-o-o Me

I love reading other people’s blogs to see what they think and how they work.  Today, while reading Death, Anxiety and Popcorn by Elizabeth Goh, I saw this picture and realized that it was drawn just for me — kind of like how all those stomp-your-heart-out country songs were written about or for me.

I think the picture says it all.  No other words needed.  (For now, anyway.)

~~~

THOUGHTS ABOUT MY THOUGHTS:  Funny (and sad) how this picture spoke to me so vividly.

TODAY’S FEELINGS BAROMETER:  Kind of blah, no energy.  Ugh!

~~~Betty