Changes, Family, Life, Looking Forward

And Now There Is One — I’ll Miss You, KaKa

          

     Today was a long day. Parts were sad. Parts were joyful. Parts I don’t remember. It was good to have all the family together, but I can’t believe that lately the only time we are all together seems to be for funerals. That is just not right.
     I’d like to thank Williams Funeral Home of Gordon for treating the family with such respect and love. We needed it and certainly appreciated it.
     I’d like to thank so many who brought food, etc. to Shannon’s home for us. We were in need of a good meal and we got one thanks to each of you.
     I’d like to thank everyone who came to visitation to let the family know what KaKa had meant to them. I loved talking to you about the fun times you had with my sweet baby sister. She was a character. So many of her former co-workers from Rheem came by and shared stories with us about their time together. I know how much KaKa thought of each of you — so many times, she would mention your names during our conversations. Although she didn’t get to see y’all as much as she’d like, I hope you know that she held each of you close to her heart. Rheem was her family for a long time. There were a few very special people who came by and for fear of leaving someone’s name out, I will not name names, but you know who you are. I know you loved KaKa and that means the world to me. Thank you for showing me the love you had for her.
     I’d especially like to thank Sherri and Shannon for digging out all the pictures of their mama. So many of those pictures flooded my mind with sweet memories. I truly enjoyed watching KaKa with her smiling face flash by on the screen. I will always remember those pictures.
     Life is going to be different for us now. None of us will be able to pick up the phone to talk to KaKa when we want to. I dread that. Her children and grandchildren are going to miss all the love that she so readily shared with them. Her husband is going to feel lost without her there by his side. I ask that those of you who loved KaKa as I did, please keep in touch with her husband, Elton, and her girls, Sherri and Shannon. Such huge pieces of their hearts have been banged up this last week and they are going to need some love and support. I trust that you will show them some love.
     I also want to thank my children for being there to support me. I needed your love today. Thank you for giving that to me. I don’t quite know how to act now that I’m the last of the four Mains girls. I want to think that I’m not old enough to be the only one of us left, but I guess I am, huh? It’s kind of funny, but I always loved talking about the fact that there were four of us. We were kind of thought of as “those four Mains girls.” In fact, I even remember a teacher once saying to me, “Ah, another Mains girl. Are there any more of you?” There was a look of disappointment on her face when I proudly said, “Yes, m’am. There are two more after me.” I think I even laughed when I said it. So, we began with four; then there were three, then two, and then we had the bonus of adding Joan, and now — I’m it. I hope I can continue to show that the four of us were a strong unit, there to support each other and to love each other. I remember how excited we were when we found out about Joan. And now, you’ve gotten to meet her before me.
     Anyway, I will miss you, KaKa. You were my baby sister and I can’t believe that you are gone. But, I know that by now you have given Mama, Joan, Sandra, and Sonja some love. Send me some sign that I was right when I said that I thought Joan looked a lot like Mama. Is she fun? Does she have Mama’s mannerisms? I can’t wait to get to meet her when I get to Heaven. I bet y’all have already had a few good laughs together, haven’t you? One day, I will be able to join you and share in those laughs, along with Mama, Sandra, and Sonja. Until then, keep everyone in check and enjoy your time in Heaven with no coughing and no heart problems — I bet you feel like a million dollars, don’t you? Just knowing that you are no longer miserable truly makes me feel better. And most of all — remember that I love you, KaKa. And I’ll miss you.
Depression, Encouragement, Life, Looking Forward, Mental Health

Repost — A Little About Me

As this new year begins, I began to look back to the beginning of my blog.  I’ll admit, I’ve been lax lately.  I’ve struggled to post and have found that I had to have a lightening bolt inspiration to do so.  I hope that I can do better in this new year.  As I looked back to the beginning, I reread my “Little About Me” to see what has changed.  In some ways, nothing.  In other ways, a lot.  I have become much more informed about clinical depression.  I have been inspired by the many friends and strangers who have left comments on my posts.  I have found some things in which I was just pure wrong and others in which I hit the nail on the head.  Do I still struggle with depression?  Yes. I do.  Is it as overwhelming as it has been in the past?  Sometimes, yes.  Sometimes, no.  A while back I told a friend that I had come to the realization that I was just going to be depressed for the rest of my life and that it was too hard to get better.  I’m not sure if that’s so.

So, as 2019 begins, I wish you all a wonderful new year — full of love, laughter, and all the wondrous things available in life.  I am praying that I will be filled with inspiration and the desire to become much more active on A Light At the Top Of The Hole.  We shall see.

And, now, back to the beginning…………

I am just a person.  I am just like you.  I am nothing like you.  I have dreams, fears, needs, wants, demons,  and joys.  You may have these, also.  I have suffered just as many of you have — abuse, rejection, put-downs, disappointments, unfulfilled expectations, and terrors.  Do I understand why this has happened to me?  No.  Will I ever fully understand?  Probably not.  Is it fair?  No.  Can I change those things in my past that have made me “me”?  No.  Do I wish I could?  Of course.  Knowing these things, what do I plan to do about it?  Not sure yet, but I do know that I’m going to change.  I am going to become whole again (although I wonder if I was ever whole to begin with).

I was first a daughter.  I am a sister.  I was a child.  I was a student.  I was then a wife. I was then a mother. Then, I was no longer a wife.   I was a teacher.  I am now a retired teacher. I am my children’s biggest cheerleader.  I am a Grams who cherishes her grandchildren.  I am a loyal friend.  I am a floundering Christian.  I am a lover of knowledge.  I am someone who has spent time in a Mental Health facility.  I am a person involved in on-going mental health therapy.  I am a person who yearns to love and be loved.  I am a person who wants to understand all the “why’s” of life.  I am a person who has many fleeting interests.  I am a person with big dreams.  I am a Southerner.  I am an expert in the art of sarcasm.  I am a lover of words.  I am a person who has lived behind an array of masks for most of my life.  I am a person who is constantly climbing to reach the light at the top of the hole that I find myself in quite frequently.  I am a person determined to become whole.  I am Betty (although Social Security and the DMV insist that I be Elizabeth.)   I am now a Blogger.

Disclaimer

If you choose to leave a comment (which I sincerely hope that you do), please feel free to ask questions, challenge me, or disagree with me.   I will always do my best to give you the most intelligent answer that I can give.  Remember, though, that I am someone who is living with clinical depression and I only have my own answers.  I am NOT a mental health expert.  I am a mere mental health “be-er”.

Please recognize that while I may make posts that contain some scientific information about clinical depression, I am in no way claiming to be an expert about anything.  I may post videos found on YouTube or elsewhere on the Internet that contain some factual information.  I do fact-check as much as possible, but please do not hold me to be 100% correct — I will just normally post something that has drawn me in and that I think others may be interested in.  These videos may use information that I have learned through my readings or perhaps was introduced to me in my Psychotherapy sessions.

Please remember that I do reserve the right to delete any comment on my blog for any reason whatsoever, whether it be rude, abusive, profane, or just in my opinion, doesn’t help anyone.   Remember those of us who suffer from depression are normally very sensitive to criticism and have enough people in our day-to-day lives whose purpose in life seems to be to blow smoke up our butts. With that in mind, please do not use my blog to bash me or anyone else.  That certainly doesn’t mean that you can’t  question or comment on concepts, but let’s keep it polite, please.  Your comment or question may very well be something that someone else is questioning and is seeking answers to. When we all join in on a conversation about mental heath, we are lessening the stigma that is so pervasive. My blog is designed to help you look into the disease of clinical depression, see it though MY eyes, and to hopefully be able to spot the warning signs in those that you love.   My goal is for all of us to learn from each other.  With that in mind, please do share in the comments and share my blog with others.  This will only reach and be a help to others if it is shared.

Thank you for joining me in my search for A Light At The Top Of The Hole.