As this new year begins, I began to look back to the beginning of my blog. I’ll admit, I’ve been lax lately. I’ve struggled to post and have found that I had to have a lightening bolt inspiration to do so. I hope that I can do better in this new year. As I looked back to the beginning, I reread my “Little About Me” to see what has changed. In some ways, nothing. In other ways, a lot. I have become much more informed about clinical depression. I have been inspired by the many friends and strangers who have left comments on my posts. I have found some things in which I was just pure wrong and others in which I hit the nail on the head. Do I still struggle with depression? Yes. I do. Is it as overwhelming as it has been in the past? Sometimes, yes. Sometimes, no. A while back I told a friend that I had come to the realization that I was just going to be depressed for the rest of my life and that it was too hard to get better. I’m not sure if that’s so.
So, as 2019 begins, I wish you all a wonderful new year — full of love, laughter, and all the wondrous things available in life. I am praying that I will be filled with inspiration and the desire to become much more active on A Light At the Top Of The Hole. We shall see.
And, now, back to the beginning…………
I am just a person. I am just like you. I am nothing like you. I have dreams, fears, needs, wants, demons, and joys. You may have these, also. I have suffered just as many of you have — abuse, rejection, put-downs, disappointments, unfulfilled expectations, and terrors. Do I understand why this has happened to me? No. Will I ever fully understand? Probably not. Is it fair? No. Can I change those things in my past that have made me “me”? No. Do I wish I could? Of course. Knowing these things, what do I plan to do about it? Not sure yet, but I do know that I’m going to change. I am going to become whole again (although I wonder if I was ever whole to begin with).
I was first a daughter. I am a sister. I was a child. I was a student. I was then a wife. I was then a mother. Then, I was no longer a wife. I was a teacher. I am now a retired teacher. I am my children’s biggest cheerleader. I am a Grams who cherishes her grandchildren. I am a loyal friend. I am a floundering Christian. I am a lover of knowledge. I am someone who has spent time in a Mental Health facility. I am a person involved in on-going mental health therapy. I am a person who yearns to love and be loved. I am a person who wants to understand all the “why’s” of life. I am a person who has many fleeting interests. I am a person with big dreams. I am a Southerner. I am an expert in the art of sarcasm. I am a lover of words. I am a person who has lived behind an array of masks for most of my life. I am a person who is constantly climbing to reach the light at the top of the hole that I find myself in quite frequently. I am a person determined to become whole. I am Betty (although Social Security and the DMV insist that I be Elizabeth.) I am now a Blogger.
If you choose to leave a comment (which I sincerely hope that you do), please feel free to ask questions, challenge me, or disagree with me. I will always do my best to give you the most intelligent answer that I can give. Remember, though, that I am someone who is living with clinical depression and I only have my own answers. I am NOT a mental health expert. I am a mere mental health “be-er”.
Please recognize that while I may make posts that contain some scientific information about clinical depression, I am in no way claiming to be an expert about anything. I may post videos found on YouTube or elsewhere on the Internet that contain some factual information. I do fact-check as much as possible, but please do not hold me to be 100% correct — I will just normally post something that has drawn me in and that I think others may be interested in. These videos may use information that I have learned through my readings or perhaps was introduced to me in my Psychotherapy sessions.
Please remember that I do reserve the right to delete any comment on my blog for any reason whatsoever, whether it be rude, abusive, profane, or just in my opinion, doesn’t help anyone. Remember those of us who suffer from depression are normally very sensitive to criticism and have enough people in our day-to-day lives whose purpose in life seems to be to blow smoke up our butts. With that in mind, please do not use my blog to bash me or anyone else. That certainly doesn’t mean that you can’t question or comment on concepts, but let’s keep it polite, please. Your comment or question may very well be something that someone else is questioning and is seeking answers to. When we all join in on a conversation about mental heath, we are lessening the stigma that is so pervasive. My blog is designed to help you look into the disease of clinical depression, see it though MY eyes, and to hopefully be able to spot the warning signs in those that you love. My goal is for all of us to learn from each other. With that in mind, please do share in the comments and share my blog with others. This will only reach and be a help to others if it is shared.
Thank you for joining me in my search for A Light At The Top Of The Hole.
I saw the following quote on Laura Bennett’s blog and it spoke to me so loudly it was as though she was shouting at me.
It’s not about getting your life back. It’s about taking it forward.
I’m going to take it forward. Thanks, Laura, for shouting this at me.