I’ve been absent for a while and there’s been a reason.
It’s been tough. While I know that beginning my blog was a good thing for me, I had begun to feel dread each time I sat down to write. You see, I had stopped seeing my therapist because it was hard. Just sitting down and talking about my life had become overwhelming. It was as though there was a sack of heavy rocks that I needed to sit and hold in my lap each time I had to talk about my life. And that darn sack of rocks was heavy. Just driving that hour to my therapist’s office was tough. It was as though I would have to stop along the way to pick up rocks to fill my sack. Each thought I would have along my drive would add a rock to the sack. I tried to enjoy the ride. I tried to look at the beautiful scenery along the way, but even while looking at the stands of pine trees, I would see those rocks poking their little gray heads out from around the trees, beckoning for me to come pick them up. And of course, I did pick them up. By the time I would get to Roz’s office, my bag would be full. And it would be heavy. So, I decided to stop the visits and go it on my own.
It’s been a year now since I was seeing Roz. I can’t say that I’ve done a good job of healing myself because I’ve pretty much isolated myself for the last year. I still have my core group of close friends who I communicate with daily through our FB group and for them, I am eternally grateful. They have done their best to keep me sane. And of course, I’ve got my children. I’ll admit that I haven’t seen them as much as I should for the past year. Traveling — something I used to enjoy doing — has become something that I absolutely dread. It’s so very hard for me to make an out of town trip. Dealing with my animals is taxing. Getting packed and stuff loaded into my car is tough. And the trip itself is grueling. My neck and shoulder just don’t do well driving for extended periods. So, I just haven’t done it. And I feel guilty for not having done so. But, I still have my visits with my friendly Jet Foods store clerks and they keep me in-touch with the world. And, of course, I still have my visits with my doctors and their office staffs along with the accompanying visits with my pharmacist. Other than that, I’ve pretty much cut the world out. I keep up with friends through Facebook and envy their escapades and their travels. But, I do nothing to include myself in their lives and that makes me sad.
I’ve been dealing with a bad, bad ear for the past two years now and just recently finally decided to give up on the ENT I was seeing and to return to the Otolaryngologist who had done my original ear surgery to see if he could get my ear problem solved. The bad thing is that as much as I hate traveling, his office is 90 miles away. I’ve been seeing him once a week for the past month and now he has determined that one of my ears needs to be seen twice a week for a while in order to get it well enough to operate on. And once we get that accomplished, my other ear needs surgery also. So, that means that this gal who would rather take a whipping than having to drive somewhere is having to drive a minimum of 360 miles a week. And that is going to be torture. But, I do know it’s a necessary torture in order to fix my ears and I am willing to do that. My hearing has been so affected that I can’t really participate in conversations that others are having, I couldn’t hear anything the preacher was saying, and talking on the phone was a bit of hit-and-miss. I pray that these two surgeries will allow me to enter the world of the living again and begin in participate in life. I’ve missed it.
But, of course, fixing my ears won’t fix everything. I still have to deal with the dread and guilt that I feel when dealing with my life. In order to do that, I’ve decided to take a break from the “hard stuff” and deal with the comedic side of my life. Thankfully, through many of the crappy things in my life, I’ve been also able to look at these things with a bit of humor. I’m going to see if sharing some of these things with my followers will help me get back into the swing of things. And, maybe, I can continue to connect with others through the humorous aspects of a crappy life. While I may certainly still share some ways of how I deal with my depression, I’m not going to continue to make this the main focus of my blog. I hope that some of you will enjoy laughing not only at me, but will enjoy laughing with me.
Life can be crappy. I sure know that. Life can be funny. I also know that. Let’s see if I can find a way to make that crappy life funny, not only to myself, but also to you. Hope you travel along with me on the journey.