Changes, Family, Life, Looking Forward

And Now There Is One — I’ll Miss You, KaKa

          

     Today was a long day. Parts were sad. Parts were joyful. Parts I don’t remember. It was good to have all the family together, but I can’t believe that lately the only time we are all together seems to be for funerals. That is just not right.
     I’d like to thank Williams Funeral Home of Gordon for treating the family with such respect and love. We needed it and certainly appreciated it.
     I’d like to thank so many who brought food, etc. to Shannon’s home for us. We were in need of a good meal and we got one thanks to each of you.
     I’d like to thank everyone who came to visitation to let the family know what KaKa had meant to them. I loved talking to you about the fun times you had with my sweet baby sister. She was a character. So many of her former co-workers from Rheem came by and shared stories with us about their time together. I know how much KaKa thought of each of you — so many times, she would mention your names during our conversations. Although she didn’t get to see y’all as much as she’d like, I hope you know that she held each of you close to her heart. Rheem was her family for a long time. There were a few very special people who came by and for fear of leaving someone’s name out, I will not name names, but you know who you are. I know you loved KaKa and that means the world to me. Thank you for showing me the love you had for her.
     I’d especially like to thank Sherri and Shannon for digging out all the pictures of their mama. So many of those pictures flooded my mind with sweet memories. I truly enjoyed watching KaKa with her smiling face flash by on the screen. I will always remember those pictures.
     Life is going to be different for us now. None of us will be able to pick up the phone to talk to KaKa when we want to. I dread that. Her children and grandchildren are going to miss all the love that she so readily shared with them. Her husband is going to feel lost without her there by his side. I ask that those of you who loved KaKa as I did, please keep in touch with her husband, Elton, and her girls, Sherri and Shannon. Such huge pieces of their hearts have been banged up this last week and they are going to need some love and support. I trust that you will show them some love.
     I also want to thank my children for being there to support me. I needed your love today. Thank you for giving that to me. I don’t quite know how to act now that I’m the last of the four Mains girls. I want to think that I’m not old enough to be the only one of us left, but I guess I am, huh? It’s kind of funny, but I always loved talking about the fact that there were four of us. We were kind of thought of as “those four Mains girls.” In fact, I even remember a teacher once saying to me, “Ah, another Mains girl. Are there any more of you?” There was a look of disappointment on her face when I proudly said, “Yes, m’am. There are two more after me.” I think I even laughed when I said it. So, we began with four; then there were three, then two, and then we had the bonus of adding Joan, and now — I’m it. I hope I can continue to show that the four of us were a strong unit, there to support each other and to love each other. I remember how excited we were when we found out about Joan. And now, you’ve gotten to meet her before me.
     Anyway, I will miss you, KaKa. You were my baby sister and I can’t believe that you are gone. But, I know that by now you have given Mama, Joan, Sandra, and Sonja some love. Send me some sign that I was right when I said that I thought Joan looked a lot like Mama. Is she fun? Does she have Mama’s mannerisms? I can’t wait to get to meet her when I get to Heaven. I bet y’all have already had a few good laughs together, haven’t you? One day, I will be able to join you and share in those laughs, along with Mama, Sandra, and Sonja. Until then, keep everyone in check and enjoy your time in Heaven with no coughing and no heart problems — I bet you feel like a million dollars, don’t you? Just knowing that you are no longer miserable truly makes me feel better. And most of all — remember that I love you, KaKa. And I’ll miss you.
Changes, Depression, Encouragement, Life, Mental Health

You Can’t Skip Chapters

Pillow Thoughts 2 by Courtney Peppernell

After yesterday’s post, I thought it was interesting for this to have shown up on my FB page.  Lots of thoughts these days about life and about the ultimate ending of it.

I think most of us wish we could go back and skip some of the tough chapters. But, what would have happened if we had done so? Would we still be the person we are now? Of course we wouldn’t. Which chapters made us who we are?  Which chapters were just fluff?  Without those tough chapters, we would not have learned — about strength, about courage, about love, about losing, about envy, about fun, about sadness, about winning.

Without having experienced these chapters, we would all be a bunch of spoiled, spineless people who think of no one but ourselves. We want to think that if we only had good in our lives, we would always do good in our lives. Very few people can live up to those expectations.

We are a mixture of the good, the bad, and the ugly. It almost makes our lives sound like an old western movie, doesn’t it?

If that’s the case, I want to be Miss Kitty from Gunsmoke.

~~ Betty

Changes, Depression, Mental Health

A Bit of a Change is Coming

I’ve been absent for a while and there’s been a reason.

It’s been tough.  While I know that beginning my blog was a good thing for me, I had begun to feel dread each time I sat down to write.  You see, I had stopped seeing my therapist because it was hard.  Just sitting down and talking about my life had become overwhelming.  It was as though there was a sack of heavy rocks that I needed to sit and hold in my lap each time I had to talk about my life.  And that darn sack of rocks was heavy.   Just driving that hour to my therapist’s office was tough.  It was as though I would have to stop along the way to pick up rocks to fill my sack.  Each thought I would have along my drive would add a rock to the sack.  I tried to enjoy the ride.  I tried to look at the beautiful scenery along the way, but even while looking at the stands of pine trees, I would see those rocks poking their little gray heads out from around the trees, beckoning for me to come pick them up.  And of course, I did pick them up.  By the time I would get to Roz’s office, my bag would be full.  And it would be heavy.  So, I decided to stop the visits and go it on my own.

It’s been a year now since I was seeing Roz.  I can’t say that I’ve done a good job of healing myself because I’ve pretty much isolated myself for the last year.  I still have my core group of close friends who I communicate with daily through our FB group and for them, I am eternally grateful.  They have done their best to keep me sane.  And of course, I’ve got my children.  I’ll admit that I haven’t seen them as much as I should for the past year.  Traveling — something I used to enjoy doing — has become something that I absolutely dread.  It’s so very hard for me to make an out of town trip.  Dealing with my animals is taxing.  Getting packed and stuff loaded into my car is tough.  And the trip itself is grueling.  My neck and shoulder just don’t do well driving for extended periods.  So, I just haven’t done it.  And I feel guilty for not having done so.  But, I still have my visits with my friendly Jet Foods store clerks and they keep me in-touch with the world.  And, of course, I still have my visits with my doctors and their office staffs along with the accompanying visits with my pharmacist.  Other than that, I’ve pretty much cut the world out.  I keep up with friends through Facebook and envy their escapades and their travels.  But, I do nothing to include myself in their lives and that makes me sad.

I’ve been dealing with a bad, bad ear for the past two years now and just recently finally decided to give up on the ENT I was seeing and to return to the Otolaryngologist who had done my original ear surgery to see if he could get my ear problem solved.  The bad thing is that as much as I hate traveling, his office is 90 miles away.  I’ve been seeing him once a week for the past month and now he has determined that one of my ears needs to be seen twice a week for a while in order to get it well enough to operate on.  And once we get that accomplished, my other ear needs surgery also.  So, that means that this gal who would rather take a whipping than having to drive somewhere is having to drive a minimum of 360 miles a week.  And that is going to be torture.  But, I do know it’s a necessary torture in order to fix my ears and I am willing to do that.  My hearing has been so affected that I can’t really participate in conversations that others are having, I couldn’t hear anything the preacher was saying, and talking on the phone was a bit of hit-and-miss.   I pray that these two surgeries will allow me to enter the world of the living again and begin in participate in life.  I’ve missed it.

But, of course, fixing my ears won’t fix everything.  I still have to deal with the dread and guilt that I feel when dealing with my life.  In order to do that, I’ve decided to take a break from the “hard stuff” and deal with the comedic side of my life.  Thankfully, through many of the crappy things in my life, I’ve been also able to look at these things with a bit of humor.  I’m going to see if sharing some of these things with my followers will help me get back into the swing of things.  And, maybe, I can continue to connect with others through the humorous aspects of a crappy life.  While I may certainly still share some ways of how I deal with my depression, I’m not going to continue to make this the main focus of my blog.  I hope that some of you will enjoy laughing not only at me, but will enjoy laughing with me.

Life can be crappy.  I sure know that.  Life can be funny.  I also know that.  Let’s see if I can find a way to make that crappy life funny, not only to myself, but also to you.   Hope you travel along with me on the journey.

~~Betty