I ran across an excellent video on Depression with so many valid points. As J.S. points out, there are so many people out there who just don’t understand depression and the leading “fixes” seem to be the God angle or the Be Positive angle. Neither of these, by themselves, can fix depression. It is vitally important for others to understand the many intricacies of this disease and how to help. I totally agree that just allowing a depressed person to “be” is of utmost importance.
I truly need to get this book. I have recently decided to stop seeing my therapist, mainly because the idea of constantly talking about why I feel like crap makes me feel like crap even more. It seems as though I’ve talked for seven years and my thoughts and feelings haven’t changed. I understand myself a bit more, but I still feel the same.
I’ve also dealt with the “just pray about it” and the “turn it over to God”. I’ve prayed and prayed and prayed about it. And, I’ve turned it over to God (or so I thought) and it’s still there. All the feelings of doubt, of self-defeat, of not caring, of feeling unworthy — those feelings (and many more) are still there.
So, I decided to just take a break. I’m not saying that I won’t go back to therapy at some point, but it’s been like a constant dread lately just knowing that I have to go talk about it some more.
As J.S. stated above, “It helped, but there were times I knew I had to step away because it wasn’t helping. I’d imagine it’s like someone investigating a crime in their own family—it’s cathartic, but it’s also dangerously close.” I just need to step away from it for a while. Maybe by not concentrating on my feelings of not caring for a while, I will somehow be able to care again. He makes some really valid points in this interview and I am sure that there is much more in the book itself. We shall see.
Given that depression can be a fragile and, at times, controversial topic, what made you decide to write a book about it?
Depression can feel like a solo sport. There’s no team backing you up. It’s like swimming or gymnastics; once you get going, it’s up to you to make it to the other end of the pool or the mat. (I was told this is why writers get depressed, because writing isn’t really a team effort).
Most of the resources I found on depression began with the “solo” premise: It’s up to you, go get help, here’s this method, try this and this. But that sort of individualized isolation was very vacuum-ish to me. Life doesn’t…
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It’s been an exciting 24 hours!! My newly found niece and I have been chatting this morning and I’ve made contact with another niece and have sent an email to my half-sister, Joan. Hopefully, once I get back home we will be able to correspond much more easily. My friends know how chatty I am and without my computer, I’m having to do everything through my phone which means “one finger” correspondence. Since my brain works much faster than my one finger can peck, I’m at a real loss. Can’t wait to get home and be in contact. Oh, how I wish Sandra were still with us–she would be so excited about this!!!!!!
I have spent Thanksgiving with my son and just crawled into bed. Something told me to check Facebook before going to sleep. I saw a message from someone, not familiar with the name, and almost overlooked it.
Come to find out, it is from a niece on my mom’s side. I had written about mom having had a daughter who she had lost in a court case of some type. Well, Joan Edith’s daughter has somehow found me on FB and we have connected somewhat. Mind you, this has been done with me totally in the dark, tapping on my phone with one finger. LOL. So, no telling what will pop up.
I just couldn’t wait to share the news. While it’s not quite the message I have been hoping to receive, it is an amazing message just the same. I now have a sister and a niece and who knows who else to get to know. Quite a Thanksgiving, if I say so myself.
I’ve had an extremely hard time coming back to the blog since my last couple of posts. I wonder if I spoke too much. Was I too open in talking about the incidents that have compounded my depression? Should I have just continued to deal with my feelings by myself? I have been so confused.
And then……I reached out a couple of weeks ago to a prayer group that I’m a member of and asked for prayers for peace for my troubled mind. I gave a brief testimony and the administrator of the group denied my post. In talking with her later, she said that my prayer was “too big” for the group. She said that many members of the group were “new in the Lord and might not be able to handle” my testimony and my request. How can that be? How can prayers be too big? Is there a certain amount of time that you must wait before telling someone “who is new in the Lord” about a significant problem that you are having? I guess I didn’t read that part of the “I love the Lord Handbook”. I’m still at a loss over that. I tried to not take it personally, but I just don’t get it. How do you tell someone that their prayer is too big? So, I decided to just sit back and do my talking directly to God. And that’s where I’ve been for the past few weeks. Stewing. Simply stewing in emotions. Those emotions are taking a toll on me. My mind is in overdrive and it is so hard to focus.
Then, last week something happened in my hometown and I’m so confused about how I feel. That’s not entirely true, though. I know how I feel; I am sad. But deep-seated emotions keep rearing their ugly heads and are keeping me off balance. There are so many things I want to say, but out of respect for others I can’t. And that’s the tough part. It’s almost as if my emotions are not valid. But, how can that be? Isn’t everyone entitled to their own feelings? No matter what the circumstances, feelings — any feelings — are valid, aren’t they? I feel no anger. I feel sadness. And regrets. And sorrow for those involved. But I can’t speak of it.
Undeserving — that’s the word I used when speaking to a friend last night. I was trying to explain my emotions and said that I feel as though any emotions I have are just plain underserving. And I know that it’s not good for me to feel that way. I’ve spent far too many years living with the assumption that my feelings don’t count and that they are underserving. I have got to find some way to break this chain of thought. I feel what I feel and I can’t help it.
Many of my friends, without my reaching out to them, have contacted me to relay their thoughts and prayers. And that has meant the world to me. They know, all too well, the conflict that is running rampant in my head and heart. I just need a way to address these feelings. Isolation isn’t working. Sleeping isn’t working. Pouring my heart out to God isn’t working. I guess I just must be patient. God is going to speak to me. He is going to guide me in the right direction. I do know this to be true. But, in the meantime, I am struggling. And it is so not fun.
Happy Birthday, Allen Lee.
My thoughts are rambling tonight as I think about it being your birthday. I pray that you are enjoying the day. I pray that you are enjoying your life. I pray that you are happy. I pray that you are healthy. I pray that God is part of your life. I pray that you have been blessed with a wonderful family. My biggest prayer is that you have people who love you. It is so very important to be loved.
I wonder if you ever think of me. If so, I pray that your thoughts do not cause you pain. I wonder what questions you have for me, if any. I pray that God has filled your heart with Grace and that you are confident that giving you up for adoption was an act of love on my part. I pray that one day I will get to meet you and that I can tell you about the love that I’ve always had for you. I pray that one day I can tell you about the 5 amazing days that I got to spend with you!
But, enough of that! It’s your birthday! Go eat some cake and blow out your candles. Feel the love today. It’s always there.
The following popped up on my Facebook memories today and I felt it was worth sharing here. I had written this last year for a dear friend who was going through a rough patch and was feeling less than worthy.
September 4, 2016
This is for my friend (you know who you are) who needs to hear this loudly and clearly:
Put on your Big Girl Panties so you can own this.
Put on your Mr. Magoo glasses so you can read this.
Put on your biggest pair of Mickey Mouse ears so you can hear what I’m saying.
Yes, sometimes life sucks.
Yes, sometimes some people suck.
No, life is not always (and sometimes is never) Fair.
Neither you nor I are on the list of “suckers” or “suckees”.
I don’t care who thinks we are.
They don’t know Jack Squat.
AND, one day…….
Life will be grand.
Life wIll be great.
Life will be fun.
But, it still won’t be Fair. It will Never be Fair.
But, you won’t give a rat’s patooty.
I won’t give a rat’s patooty.
We will just “Be”.
And we haven’t done that in a while.
But, we will both love just “Being.”
Get tough. Get mean. Get ready.
‘Cause it’s gonna be good, my friend.
It’s gonna be good.
Now, on top of all that wisdom, remember the most important thing–
When you don’t (or can’t) trust yourself, dad-gum it, just trust Me.
‘Cause I’m here and I love you and I won’t steer you down the wrong path. (Forget those times that I’ve already done that. They don’t count.)
Now, go forth and BE.
Darn it, don’t you DARE quit BEING!!!