I wonder about posting this and may very well get in trouble with one or both of my daughters for doing so, and most likely my son if he sees it. I apologize now. But, I’m posting it with hopes and prayers that perhaps, somehow, those who need to see it, will. If not, perhaps someone who has some influence with this person will see it and come help. However, in the back of my mind, I know that God knows about the problems, the reasons, and the solutions to this problem already and a solution will be had when God decides that it’s time for it to happen. So I need to just leave it alone. But I’m not because of my daughter’s wish that it could be different.
I saw a post tonight on FB made by my youngest daughter about Father’s Day. She is a loving, helpful, intelligent young lady who has a good heart, but it’s definitely a heart that been hurt many times. It was hurt again today. And there is really no reason for it to have been done other than hate, spite, bitterness, and pure meanness. What’s so bad is that the majority of those feelings are toward ME, not her. But you see, SHE is the one who is being hurt.
Divorce is painful for all of those involved, especially children. Sadly, this divorce was necessary but ended very badly. The couple involved have 3 children and now have 6 grandchildren. All of these want and deserve love and support from both parents and grandparents. After the divorce, ignoring the children started out as a way to punish me for having had the audacity to file for divorce and for taking it public. After repeated attempts by the children to somehow maintain some type of connection and those attempts being rebuffed, they decided to quit trying. After all, why purposefully ask for someone to hurt you? This lasted for a while and while it hurt, life was livable. Slowly, one of the children tried again, this time to be told that it would only be possible if the child followed HIS rules, HIS way, and on HIS time schedule. Since the child was now an adult, this child took exception to this and once again, negotiations came to a halt.
Negotiations — normally thought of as a means to solve a business or judicial problem. It’s not one that takes place between a father and child who is merely looking for love and acceptance. It should NEVER be used in this instance.
Again and again, one at a time, they would try. Again and again, one at a time, they were rebuffed. Hurt again. By a mean, hard-headed man out for revenge. Which he was extracting a piece at a time.
The kids went on with their lives. They fell in love and married. One of them moved back to her hometown where the father lived.
Eventually, the child living in the hometown reconnected with the father. I have no idea what the negotiations consisted of, and don’t want to know. And to be truthful, I was hurt. I did not understand how it had happened, but through therapy and prayer, I came to understand the importance and came to be supportive of the reconciliation. After all, I had been hurt that he ignored the children—how could I now be hurt because he was no longer doing so? A bit hypocritical, wouldn’t you say?? It took me a while, but I overcame my hurt feelings and fully support their relationship now.
Unfortunately, after 27 years, there is only that ONE reconciliation that has taken place. There is one daughter and two grandchildren who are doted upon by the grandfather and his wife. There are two children and FOUR grandchildren who are totally ignored by the grandfather and his wife. I wonder if they think about the feelings of these grandchildren. I wonder if they realize that each birth that is ignored, each graduation that is ignored, each Christmas that is ignored, each birthday that is ignored — these things hurt. And the grandchildren have done nothing to deserve it. They listen to their two cousins talk about the gifts, the fun times, the accolades they receive from their Papa and Ninny, and they realize that they deserve those things, too. But they don’t get them—because their grandfather took a vow at the divorce to always do everything possible to hurt their grandmother and that THEY are the collateral damage.
So far, their have been 22, 22, 18, and 18 birthdays ignored and not celebrated with 17 and 16 birthdays acknowledged and celebrated. There have now been 4 high school graduations ignored and not celebrated with 1 high school graduation acknowledged and celebrated. Each lack of acknowledgement and lack of celebration is deeply felt. And all because of the desire to hurt the grandmother.
I now call UNCLE. I give up. I acknowledge that you are the victor and the the hurt you wish for is complete and felt. My prayer is that you understand that your wishes have come true and that you Quit taking it out on your two children and four grandchildren. Become the type of father and grandfather for these 6 people that you are for the other 3. You can’t imagine what wonderful children you have. And you are missing the blessings from 4 Amazing grandchildren!! You may continue to hate me. You may continue to seek revenge upon me, but leave the kids and grandchildren out of it. They had nothing to do with our divorce. Period!
I look at the four grandchildren you ignore and I see funny, intelligent, caring, considerate, giving, loving, hard working, giving people. You would be so blessed to have them in your life and would get nothing but love and good times from them — if only. You don’t have to care about me in order to love them. You owe me nothing; you owe them everything. They want nothing from you but inclusion. It would take nothing from your life to love them; you don’t have to give up anything. All you have to do is to include them, love them, and receive great blessings from them. Each of them will add to your joys.
I look at the two children you ignore and see wonderful adults. They both have the hard-working traits that you taught to them. They have worked hard, they have been wonderful parents, they have loved fiercely and deeply. One has served his country, retiring as a LTC from a branch of service that you, too, served in. I cannot fathom how that does not make you proud. To know them would give you countless opportunities to brag, to make others believe that you have done a good job in raising your children. You don’t have to care about me in order to love them. You owe me nothing; you owe them everything. They want nothing from you but inclusion. It would take nothing from your life to love them; you don’t have to give up anything. All you have to do is to include them, love the them, and receive great blessings from them. Each of them will add to your joys.
It’s easy. Just do it.
And if you have not got the courage to say “I’m sorry and I’d like to get to know you,” to your son and daughter and your four grandchildren, then I pretty much agree with the below statement from your daughter — “I hope your day sucked.”
Pray for me, pray for my children, and pray for my grandchildren. Shoot, pray for my ex and his wife. Some of you know who I am and who I am talking about. Some of you may understand my story and some of you will think that none of it is true. I can’t do anything about that and that’s fine. For my grandchildren’s sake, I hope that the prayers reach his heart. All I wish for is love and recognition for my amazing children and grandchildren.
This is my daughter’s original post. ——
I got to spend the day with my wonderful husband and his family which included Papa and several brothers, nephews, and brother & son-in-laws who are all GREAT fathers.
I just wish I could have spent the day with my dad. It’s such a shame he is not willing to be part of our lives (well, most of ours anyway).
Happy Father’s Day to all the men who stand up and care for their children and grandchildren. The rest of you – I hope your day sucked.