I’ve had an extremely hard time coming back to the blog since my last couple of posts. I wonder if I spoke too much. Was I too open in talking about the incidents that have compounded my depression? Should I have just continued to deal with my feelings by myself? I have been so confused.
And then……I reached out a couple of weeks ago to a prayer group that I’m a member of and asked for prayers for peace for my troubled mind. I gave a brief testimony and the administrator of the group denied my post. In talking with her later, she said that my prayer was “too big” for the group. She said that many members of the group were “new in the Lord and might not be able to handle” my testimony and my request. How can that be? How can prayers be too big? Is there a certain amount of time that you must wait before telling someone “who is new in the Lord” about a significant problem that you are having? I guess I didn’t read that part of the “I love the Lord Handbook”. I’m still at a loss over that. I tried to not take it personally, but I just don’t get it. How do you tell someone that their prayer is too big? So, I decided to just sit back and do my talking directly to God. And that’s where I’ve been for the past few weeks. Stewing. Simply stewing in emotions. Those emotions are taking a toll on me. My mind is in overdrive and it is so hard to focus.
Then, last week something happened in my hometown and I’m so confused about how I feel. That’s not entirely true, though. I know how I feel; I am sad. But deep-seated emotions keep rearing their ugly heads and are keeping me off balance. There are so many things I want to say, but out of respect for others I can’t. And that’s the tough part. It’s almost as if my emotions are not valid. But, how can that be? Isn’t everyone entitled to their own feelings? No matter what the circumstances, feelings — any feelings — are valid, aren’t they? I feel no anger. I feel sadness. And regrets. And sorrow for those involved. But I can’t speak of it.
Undeserving — that’s the word I used when speaking to a friend last night. I was trying to explain my emotions and said that I feel as though any emotions I have are just plain underserving. And I know that it’s not good for me to feel that way. I’ve spent far too many years living with the assumption that my feelings don’t count and that they are underserving. I have got to find some way to break this chain of thought. I feel what I feel and I can’t help it.
Many of my friends, without my reaching out to them, have contacted me to relay their thoughts and prayers. And that has meant the world to me. They know, all too well, the conflict that is running rampant in my head and heart. I just need a way to address these feelings. Isolation isn’t working. Sleeping isn’t working. Pouring my heart out to God isn’t working. I guess I just must be patient. God is going to speak to me. He is going to guide me in the right direction. I do know this to be true. But, in the meantime, I am struggling. And it is so not fun.