One Moment So Free……..

When I write that my goal for this blog is to let others know that they are not alone, I am being very honest.  That is my goal.  However, it has also been my lesson.  I learn a little more each time I read a message from someone.  I treasure those messages that tell me I am not alone, that you, too, struggle.  I don’t treasure them because I WANT someone else to suffer, but treasure them because I often feel that I am, indeed, the only one who does. And these messages assure me that I am not alone.  It is vital for each of us to know that we are not alone.

I received a message this morning from a dear friend in which she talked about her journey through depression. She wrote such a powerful statement, one that I feel so very often.  She wrote, “I am going through the “these are the seminal moments in my life that caused shame” in therapy.  And it is so liberating but so damned hard.  One moment so free. And the next plunged back into darkness.”  Oh, how I relate to that statement!

One of the most frustrating things (and there are many) about my depression is that there is just so much about its anatomy that I don’t understand.  I don’t understand how someone can be intelligent enough to realize that our thoughts are merely in our heads and that we can change these thoughts at a moment’s notice, but that I cannot do that. There are many people who have mastered this technique.  My friend, Luann, knew how to do this.  I don’t.  She was so very good about cleaning out her thought closet.  I try. Lord, how I try.  But, the moment that I stop actively trying, the dark thought is back there again. And it is gnawing at my soul.  I hear this thought spoken in my head that says, “You are unworthy” and I agree with it.  Then, I stop and tell myself “Betty, that is so untrue. You are a good person.  You have a loving heart.  You have worked hard and been productive.  You have raised three beautiful, intelligent, hard-working children. You have wonderful friends who care for you.  You have done good things in your life.”  And I do believe all those things — so for a fleeting moment, I feel better about myself.  But THEN, that thought comes back that says, “Ahhhh, those things may be true, BUT you are still unworthy.”  And I immediately believe that message again.  What is it, exactly, that I must do to become worthy?  To myself?  In my own head and heart?  So that I can actually believe it?  I can easily justify the reasons that the voice is wrong.  But, I just can’t believe that it is wrong.  If something has been drilled into your head for years and years and years, is there ever a way in which to believe that it is wrong?  It can become such a vicious cycle in which I constantly fight those voices and I have yet to learn how to stop the cycle. As my friend said in her message, “One moment so free. And the next plunged back into darkness.”  That, to me, is the worst part about depression. I can feel so good one moment, and the next, be plunged back into that darkness.  I pray that I will learn how to stop the darkness.  It is hell.

~~~ Betty

Author: alightatthetopofthehole

A mother, a grandmother, a retired teacher, a sister, a daughter, a friend, and a troubled soul. A woman working on understanding her depression and finally overcoming the feelings of inadequacy, emptiness, failure, and not being whole.

2 thoughts on “One Moment So Free……..”

  1. Betty,
    I can relate. There was a time after I had my last sweet baby that I went into a clinical depression. I could not sleep or eat. I was in a deep dark hole and could not get out. I wanted to, I tried to, but I could not. I went to my sweet Dr Goodrich and told him and he told me not to worry, that he would not let anything happen to me . He gave me meds and I waited.
    ….and waited, but nothing changed. I was unable to care for my baby and children and husband. I had no energy, no appetite, and insomnia. No one else knew my peril. I started thinking about suicide. I thought of taking my baby to my mom or his mom and asking them to pick up the other boys at school and just end all the darkness.
    I had a church and pastor and I’m here today because I chose to go see my pastor.
    He and his wife talked with me, making sure I had been saved and was sure of that, of which I told him I was indeed saved by the blood of Jesus. Then he began to pray for me. On his knees before GOD, he poured out a prayer of peace, and for a sound mind and relief from the darkness I was suffering through. Afterwards, he asked me to pray and I did asking for those same things.
    Betty, I want to tell you that GOD saved my life that day. HE had a purpose for me and I left the pastor’s house free from the chains of that deep, dark pit.
    I’ve not suffered with that demon again, praise GOD, but I have had other hard places that GOD has helped me through since that terrible time.
    I pray you’ll find relief and I pray for that end each day. I love you, Betty, and am so sorry for the pain you’ve live with for so long.
    Diane

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Diane, for sharing with me. I am sure that there are still so many others out there in our big, beautiful world who have struggled. I pray that they will be relieved of their burdens, as you were.

      I do have faith that when the time is right, God will reveal His plan for me.

      Like

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