A Better Man……..A Better Woman

I’m got up this morning already down.  I woke up during the night with an awful, awful headache, finally gave up and got out of bed.  Sat around in a stupor for a while and then I forgot what today was and opened Facebook to a frillion Father’s Day wishes and tributes to all the good fathers out there and dove even deeper into that dreaded hole.  I always feel this way on Father’s Day. I search my heart and try to find a reason to post my own tribute to my father and no matter how hard I try, there just is no reason that I can find. And I always feel guilty for not being able to find a reason.

As I sat here scrolling through the posts, I turned on iTunes and the first song that came up was “A Better Man” by Little Big Town.  While that song is a love song, I find much of it relates to my feelings about my father.  Oh, how I wish he had been a better man.  I wish he had been a man who had not had an addiction to alcohol.  I wish he had been a man who had had the ability to love unconditionally.  I wish he had been a man who had not had the propensity to hit and yell and demean and make me feel as though everything had been my fault.  I wish he had been a man who had realized that all I wanted out of life was for him to love me.  But, he wasn’t that man.

And then, my thoughts turn to my ex.  Although I know that this is a dangerous subject to breach, my thoughts go there anyway.  Oh, how I wish he had been a better man.  I wish he had been a man who had had the ability to love unconditionally.  I wish he had been a man who had not had the propensity to hit and yell and demean and make me feel as though everything had been my fault.  I wish he had been a man who had realized that all I wanted out of life was for him to love me and love all of our children and all of our grandchildren. But, he wasn’t that man.

I know I’m probably better off on my own
Than loving a man who
Didn’t know what he had when he had it
And I see the permanent damage you did to me
Never again, I just
Wish I could forget when it was magic
I wish it wasn’t 4 AM, standing in the mirror
Saying to myself, you know you had to do it
I know, the bravest thing I ever did was RunSometimes, in the middle of the night, I can feel you again
But I just miss you, and I just wish you were a better man
And I know why we had to say goodbye like the back of my hand
And I just miss you, and I just wish you were a better man
A better man

I know I’m probably better off all alone
Than needing a man who could
Change his mind at any given minute
And it’s always on your terms
I’m hanging on every careless word
Hoping it might turn sweet again
Like it was in the beginning

I hold onto this pride because these days it’s all I have
And I gave to you my best and we both know you can’t say that
You can’t say that

Sometimes, in the middle of the night, I can feel you again
And I just miss you when I just wish you were a better man
And I know why we had to say goodbye like the back of my hand
And I just miss you, and I just wish you were a better man

And I wish these things knowing full well that I should have been a better daughter and a better wife.  I was far from perfect in both instances.  My thoughts in both instances had been angry, debilitating thoughts which became angry, debilitating actions.  I wanted so much out of both relationships and worked very hard for many years to make those things come true, but always knew in the back of my mind that both were toxic and finally gave up.  Maybe I should have fought harder in both instances. Maybe I was wrong for giving up on each.  But, maybe I was right in giving up.  Maybe I was right in running from both.

So, for my father and for my ex — Since I know that there is nothing I could have done to have made either of you better men, I must work on making myself a better woman — a woman who always loves unconditionally, a woman who always speaks with love in her tone and in her heart, a woman who never purposefully tries to hurt anyone, a woman who always makes sure that you know how much I love you.  If I can do that, I will be a better woman.  Maybe then, it won’t matter that neither of you were better men.

~~~

THOUGHTS ABOUT MY THOUGHTS:  I despise Father’s Day.

TODAY’S FEELINGS BAROMETER:  Yuk.  Hurry up and get here tomorrow.

~~~ Betty 

 

 

Author: alightatthetopofthehole

A mother, a grandmother, a retired teacher, a sister, a daughter, a friend, and a troubled soul. A woman working on understanding her depression and finally overcoming the feelings of inadequacy, emptiness, failure, and not being whole.

8 thoughts on “A Better Man……..A Better Woman”

  1. Such a powerful post. So much pain and suffering. I’m glad you’re writing…it’s cathartic. Do visit my site because I talk about relationships and abuse in my blogs from a male perspective which can bring healing. Cheers.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Why do we marry our fathers? I have thought about this so much, do we subconsciously feel like we don’t deserve that love? Bio dad was a verbally abusive (to Mom) drug addict that abandoned us twice, three times if you count when I was 22 & living at his house. Ex-husband was a physically abusive drug addict, took me five years to gather the strength to get away from him 25 years ago. Most people don’t realize how strong you have to be to actually walk away from those relationships. I never knew how much we had in common all those years ago, guess we should have talked more. Both of mine are no longer living, if you could have called it that. I feel guilty for never telling them I had forgiven them. Seems the shaming continues from the grave.
    Father’s Day pulls me both ways, grief for the bio dad I never had and love for my stepdad​ that adopted me when I asked at 37 yrs old. We became close after the last abandonment, my real dad had been there since I was 14 and I was just not strong enough to see through BS those other two were spewing. Thank goodness​ I finally did.
    The song, A Better Man, I cried uncontrollably the first time I heard it.
    You may not want to hear it but you are a strong woman, I know this because I’ve discovered that I am, finally. Still single, but I have a real dad now. That’s all I really need, and a great mother. Brother is a pain in the ass but I love him.
    Thanks for doing these blogs, it helps knowing someone with a similar background fighting the same demons that drag me down & keep me in bed some days.
    Now, go ahead and correct my grammar. I know it’s atrocious.
    Love you,
    P

    Liked by 1 person

    1. First, nothing needs to be corrected. Next, you are correct about marrying our fathers. I certainly did so. And you are correct about how hard it is to leave the relationship. I think the words, “I want a divorce” were the hardest words I ever spoke. Once I got the words out, it seemed to finally be possible to end it. I think the main reason I stayed was for the kids. At least that was what I told myself. Little did I know how wrong that was of me.
      I’m so glad that Terrell is good to you. I’ve always been partial to the Hulsey boys. LOL They are good folk.
      As for knowing that someone else is experiencing the same things as you are is something that I didn’t understand for years and years and years. For so long, especially during my younger years, I thought I was the only kid around whose father abused them. And that is such a lonely and scary feeling!
      Take care of yourself. You will find that special someone one day and it will be GRAND!
      Love you, sweetie!

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I have cried for 3 days for my ex . Holidays … all holidays do this to me . I opened my email and read your latest post . I so get it

    Bonnie

    Sent from my iPhone

    >

    Liked by 1 person

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