Depression, Mental Health

God Knows What Drives Me Absolutely Crazy

Is there anything in your life that you have to do that works on your mind ALL THE TIME?  The thoughts never leave you; they are constantly whispering to you, “It’s time to do it again.  You will always be reminded.  I will never let you forget.”  It’s like cold feet in the winter time – always there.

For the past decade or so, there are certain medical tests that I have had to repeat far too many times.  Far too often.   Whenever it gets to be “that time” again, I go through periods of raging anger, debilitating fear, deep depression, and a mounting desire to do harm to someone.  Then, of course, after the tests, I am just plain pissed that I’ve had to do it AGAIN.  Thus, more rage, more depression, more fear.  It has been an ongoing cycle and my mind stays in a constant state of MAD.  I never have a chance to get un-mad.  For the past couple of weeks I’ve been in the “Get ready to get pissed” mode — gearing up for another test, another reminder, another reason to be mad/hurt/depressed.  As I went to my doctor this morning for what I thought was going to be ANOTHER one, I was given some news.  It is now MY choice as to whether or not I have the test.  It seems as though these tests are doing more harm to me mentally than they are doing me good physically.  So, I was told I could choose to continue with them or say, “Enough is enough.”  At first, the fear kicked in – What if I don’t have the test?  What will happen?  Am I putting myself at risk?  You know your family history.  You are crazy if you don’t have the test.  And I said, “No.  I have to continue the tests.”  But then, my sweet, caring, loving, magnificent doctor took my hands and said, “Betty, it’s your choice.  These tests work on your mind and never let you have any rest.  You are going to be OK.”   Right then and there, I felt a type of peace that I have not felt before.  God spoke to me while I was sitting on that medical table. With tears in my eyes, I knew at that point that God had been working on my doctors.  He told them to give ME the choice.  He told them to step aside and to let me trust Him.

In addition to working on my doctors, God is talking to me through my pastor.  (I know. That’s what He’s supposed to do, right?)  Anyway, one thing that I absolutely love about my pastor is that he uses Facebook.  For the past several months, he’s been making A LOT of posts about trust and forgiveness – something that I have such a hard time with.  I don’t trust.  Just flat-out don’t trust.  And I do a terrible job at forgiving.  Each time Pastor Ron posts something about forgiveness, my toes get bruised.  As I read his posts, I can picture him looking through the keyboard saying, “Betty, I’m talking to you.  Listen.”   I do listen, Pastor Ron.  And there are periods of time when I truly think I’ve forgiven and I think I can finally move on.  And then — wham — it’s time for more tests and no matter what I do, no matter how much I pray about it, no matter how much I read the Bible, no matter how many times I see my therapist — all the anger, the hatred, and the hurt come back and I realize that I have not come close to forgiving.   Not only have I not forgiven, I have added more hatred to my heart.  And it’s killing me.  Absolutely. Killing. Me.  I know that God wants me to break this terrible cycle and all this undercover work He’s been doing is to teach me to trust and forgive.  I hear you, God.  I think I’ve gotten the point.  So, now, my choice is to trust.  I’m going to trust my doctors.  I am going to trust myself.  I am going to trust God.

This is such a foreign choice for me.  I’m not used to trusting.  I can’t remember the last time I just turned off my mind and said, “It’s OK.  I’m going to trust you, God.” Don’t get me wrong — God Bless medical doctors.  I have some fabulous doctors and I know that they have saved my life more than once.  But, I know that God is the ultimate doctor and that He is who I now have to trust.  I turn myself over to you, God.    Once I’ve gotten this “trust” thing figured out, let’s work on the forgiveness.

THOUGHTS ABOUT MY THOUGHTS:  I didn’t think today would ever come.

TODAY’S FEELINGS BAROMETER:  Wow!  I’m not sure how to feel.  I walked out of my doctor’s office a different person this morning.  My mind was telling me that I was going to be OK and that I had no reason to be mad today.  I need to think about this for a while and make sure I’m not dreaming.

~~~ Betty

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