I’ve been working on a post about God and depression and am having a real problem getting my thoughts together on how I want to say things in it. So, until I get it perfected, I’m going to post a few things that I had posted on Facebook. These posts are what brought me to my blog. I just wish I could also post the comments that were made — they were so supportive and uplifting.
· Eatonton ·
But in the end, I did do good things in my life. I finished my education which you said I would never do after having run off to get married. I raised three wonderful, loving, accomplished children — pretty much by myself, I might add. I taught school for thirty years. I deserved your praise, your approval, and most of all, your love. I’ve struggled all my life with the fact that for some reason you, my father, just did not love me. Of course you provided for me — that was drummed into my head during each and every one of our fights. Yes, you bought me clothes, shoes, food, paid for insurance, provided a home to live in — all the necessities, but Daddy, that didn’t ever make me think you loved me. In my mind, those were chores for you, things you did because you had to do and you were always quick to tell me that. But, I wanted you to love me and you just couldn’t find that in yourself to do.
I’ve tried throughout the years to forgive you, to understand why you did what you did. And sometimes I’ve gotten really close to being able to do so. But, I’ve finally realized that in order to forgive you, I must first forgive myself, and that, I haven’t done. I blame myself for our relationship — maybe if I hadn’t been such a little hellion, maybe if I’d made all A’s, maybe if I’d chosen boyfriends better, maybe if I’d made your sandwiches better, maybe if I’d been nicer to Sandra, Sonja, and KaKa, maybe, maybe, maybe……. I could go on forever with the maybe’s and that’s part of the problem. I can’t accept things for the way they were. I can’t accept the fact that you just didn’t love me. I can’t stop blaming myself. And until I do, I will never be able to stop blaming you. I long for the day that I can do so. I long for the day that I can join others in celebrating their fathers. I long for the days when I can search my memory for the good times, for the snippets of caring. Surely there are some tucked away in my memories. I pray constantly that I can remember the good. I pray that I can forgive you. I pray that I can forgive me. All I want is to love you and believe that somewhere in your mind, you loved me. I pray that you found the peace that you evidently searched for in this life. I’m sorry I was not all you hoped I would be.