Today, I Struggle

Woke up this morning with a feeling of gloom and doom.  The cloud is hovering.  The brain is in overdrive.  The tears are sitting right there on the surface, ready to pour out.  Heart is racing.  Hands have the jitters.   All for no reason. Nothing has happened. Nothing has not happened.  No unkind words have been spoken.  No disappointments in life since last night.  No nightmares last night.  No good reason at all for me to feel this way.  I just don’t care today.

There is a heavy feeling in the pit of my stomach.  It is a real struggle to come to computer. Nothing to say so I walk away for now.  Nothing in my head. Nothing in my heart.  Tried reading Bible, no inspiration at all.  Just a voice saying, “It doesn’t matter.”  Over and over again.  I go back to bed just to toss and turn.  I get back up and take Bella out for a walk.  I recognize that it’s a nice day outside, but think that it’s a waste of a nice day.  I just don’t care about nice days.  I try watching video for bible study and find myself critiquing the production rather than listening to the words, so turn it off.  I come back to computer and try to find some inspiration — from somewhere, from something — so that I can post.  My inner demon just keeps telling me that this is ridiculous.  I am being silly in thinking that this might somehow make a difference to someone.  Just another of my hair-brained ideas.  I have nothing to offer.  Nothing to say.  Who cares, anyway?  Our world is so screwed up, why bother to care? I certainly don’t care.

I turn YouTube to a channel of 60’s music since music has always been an inspiration to me and 60’s music is “Da Bomb”, right?  Click on an Aretha Franklin compilation and all of a sudden, I’m listening to all the tear-jerking music of my youth.  Reminders of what hell I lived in back then. Reminders of alcohol, of physical abuse, of my first love (who really wasn’t a love at all, but merely an instrument being used by me to prove to my dad that he could not and would not tell me how to think, what to do, and how to live), of my second love, of heartbreaks, of beginning to not really care, of my first superhero cape being worn, of my masks, of leaving home.  All those memories rush through my brain. And I just don’t care.  I’m not sad.  I’m not hurt. I am just experiencing those thoughts and I just don’t care.

The Temptations are singing “My Girl.”  Normally, this would take me to happy times when someone sang that to me while sitting in the Huddle House.  But I’m thinking that they were just empty words being spoken by an empty heart.  Sam Cooke now singing “Stand by Me” and I’m thinking there is no one standing my me.  Bill Withers singing “Lean on Me”. What a silly song.  This must be another of God’s Conspiracies (I know, some of you wish I’d use the word “plan” rather than “conspiracy”, but in the mind of the depressed, we do not believe in plans) — choosing this song for me to hear now.  He thinks I’m going to be inspired and think that things are better than they are.  They’re not. Del Shannon now singing “Runaway.”  This REALLY takes me back.  I vividly remember lying in my bed, listening to WLS out of Chicago and hearing this song and wishing that I really could just run away, but I can’t so I just close my eyes and “fly off into the night” (Much more later to come at a later date about my ability to fly.)   Right now, it would take too much effort to care about anything so, I just don’t care.

Oh great.  It’s time to pile it on Betty.  Just saw a text asking me to come sit for some “libations and jocular, light, serious and philosophical conversation — in reclining chairs by the fire pit — please.”  Guess that “please” is supposed to do the trick, huh?  This time, my heart tells me I should go — company would be a good thing, conversation is always great with a good friend, a good fire is rejuvenating — but my head says “Nope. Too much trouble.  You know the blog is going to come up — he’s going to say he’s proud of you, that you are doing good. He’s going to be nice.” But I  don’t want to hear that stuff.  I don’t want to “do nice.”  It  just doesn’t matter.  People just say words anyway. And, besides, I just don’t care.

Part of me knows that all of this has been timed to jerk me out of this mood — the My Girl, Lean on Me, Stand by Me, the text — all perfectly timed to remind me of what I don’t have which is supposed to warp into the thoughts of all the blessings that I do have.  I am supposed to feel loved, feel worthy, feel happy.  Conjuring up those good feelings of love and worthiness would be such a chore right now.  I don’t want to feel those things.  And I just don’t care.

Go do something.  Isn’t that what people say to a depressed person?  “Quit thinking about what you don’t have; think of the many blessings that you do have, the loving family, the good friends, a roof over your head, food in the ‘fridge.  There are others out there who have REAL problems.  Quit feeling sorry for yourself.”   I don’t need someone to say that to me now — I know those things.  But, I just don’t care.  Not a bit.  And don’t care that I don’t care.  Such is life.  I am tired.  For no reason.  I. Am. Just. Tired.  And I just don’t care.

Today’s feelings will not be permanent; I will most likely feel much better tomorrow or the next day or the next day.  These feelings will not kill me, but I must be allowed to feel them.  That is the only way I will heal myself. Hopefully, tomorrow will be a better day.  and I will care.

THOUGHTS ABOUT MY THOUGHTS:  On days like today, I am overwhelmed. I try to think good thoughts.  I try to remember my blessings.  It is just too hard to try on days like today.  I have not made today’s post in order to garner sympathy.  I don’t need to be told that I’m loved, or funny, or disappointing God, or even that I’m making Satan happy.  I only need to be told that “you hear me”  and that you are learning.  I am ONLY posting today’s thoughts so that you can see into the thoughts of a depressed person and can understand just a little bit more about our lives.

TODAY’S FEELING BAROMETER:  Crap.

~~~ Betty

 

Author: alightatthetopofthehole

A mother, a grandmother, a retired teacher, a sister, a daughter, a friend, and a troubled soul. A woman working on understanding her depression and finally overcoming the feelings of inadequacy, emptiness, failure, and not being whole.

9 thoughts on “Today, I Struggle”

  1. I am so proud of you! Writing this blog can not be easy. These are real feelings…I do know that from my own experience! But let me remind you, satan is doing a happy dance that he has you in this place. He’s dancing because you blew off your friend, he doesn’t want you to have connections, friends, a life…
    Don’t let him steal you joy…you keep writing and blogging…but don’t shut out friends and family! Stay connected…be real…with that friend, that you are struggling. If the friend is worth their salt they will understand and will wrap you in a hedge of protection for the devil! I know that I’m praying that for you right now as I type this!
    Love you my friend!!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for the kind words, Connie. I must admit that just reading your words ALMOST made me go sit by that firepit. And, although I did blow off my friend, I know that he understands that some days, I JUST CAN’T DO IT. I will not give up, though. I will continue to say, “Maybe next time.” And one of these times, I will go. Again, thank you for your kind words and for your prayers.

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    1. Thank you, Linda. Please know that one of the joys of my moving home has been being able to reconnect with you and I truly consider you to be a dear, dear friend. You have a heart of gold, Linda. And you always let that heart shine. You are a blessing.

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  2. Proud of you‼️ I hear you and I am learning from this. Hate you had a bad day! Praying that there will be more better days and less bad days. Love you my friend!

    Like

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